Hope Springs Eternal?

It is only February of 2008 and already the year feels long. January was a tough month. For the first time in four and a half years, I admitted to myself that I may never have children biologically. Is it possible to grieve the deaths of people who have never existed? My Husband and I had four names for our future children....those for two girls and two boys. Will the names forever remain in a place of mourning locked away in our hearts and minds? Reality would say yes.

When last I wrote, my Husband was brave enough to confess to me that he did not want to pursue IVF. He did not want me to have to go through all that the procedure entails...especially since our chances for success were so very low. Plus, given our fast approaching birthdays, the time clock for adoption was ticking very loudly in his ear. We were running out of time and adoption was going to take an additional two to three years. I see and understand his perspective. It didn't, though, help my feeling of loss be any less heavy.

Imagine my surprise when, right in the middle of my grieving, my Husband had a change of heart. I was doing the grocery shopping in a very crowded Wal-Mart when he called. "Honey, I was wrong. Let's do both....IVF and Adoption." You would have thought my reaction was that of joy. It was quite the opposite. I was angry that he would turn the wheel so quickly. I was confused as to how to feel when the loss of my never seen children was so raw and real. I was afraid to trust. I watched my eyes age over the next couple of weeks. I fell into a room of isolation that not even my Husband could enter. I was losing myself to grief.

This topic has become one of avoidance. A discussion that is approached only at carefully planned times and kept at short intervals. We want to move on and yet find ourselves stuck in the mire of indecision. The clock tolls ever on.

We went to a local adoption agency and discussed our options. I found it almost hard to breath while sitting in that room. The air became hot and I exerted all my energies to trying not to cry. I felt as though I was being punished for not being able to have children naturally. Nobody checks on a couple who conceive and give birth to children on their own. However, when you adopt, you have to fill out lots of paper work, you have to allow someone to enter your home and do a home study, you have to pay to take classes, and then you have to pay LOTS more money for background checks, counseling, interviews, and...and...and.... The list goes on and on.

Budget consultants will tell you that in order to make an investment, like the purchase of a car for example, that you need to have the income and savings available to pay for the car without going into debt. It would probably be considered bad money management if my Husband and I went out and bought a brand new car with all the extras, based on a two income bank statement, and then I promptly quit my job. That is what adoption calls for. We will have to take out a very large loan to pay all the required fees and then cut out a significant portion of the income upon which the loan was based on in the first place.

Don't get me wrong, I want to be a stay-at-home Mom. That was always the plan. This adoption thing just sounds wrong somehow. They won't let you adopt if you don't make enough money to care for the child in predetermined ways but then they ask you to go into debt in order to adopt a child that they have decided can be trusted in your care. Does this make sense? All the decision making seems to be in everyone else's hands.

I realize I am angry right now. I also realize that I am probably not feeling anything new that other couples in the same situation haven't already felt. I just never imagined that I would fall into that category. What did I do wrong? Am I being punished? Is this all just a bad dream that I will wake up from soon?

It is only February of 2008 but already the year feels long. Will March bring new clarity, healing, and relief? Will I see the sadness leave our eyes and the joy we once took for granted reappear? Hope Springs Eternal....I hope.