The part of "Baby" will be played by "Fido."

The new year has begun and it is off to an unusual start. Not a bad start, so to speak, just not what I thought it would be. Before I get to that though, the reason for the title of this blog.

My Husband and I are good friends with a couple that we met about four years ago. As far as personalities go, we are all complete opposites...but it works. The woman, whom I will call Angel, is a very private person. She doesn't trust easily. So, I consider it a great compliment that over the past four years, she has felt comfortable enough with me to share her heart, to share who she really is. Below that guarded exterior is a true kindred spirit.

Like me, Angel is unable to have children. Unlike me, however, she has a medical reason that clearly defines why this is the case. At the time of this discovery, she and her husband were not in a place financially to afford IVF (many Insurance Company's won't cover the procedure). They, for their own reasons, decided not to adopt. What to do? Though there is no replacement for the children dreamed of and hoped for, energy still exists that needs to be put to good use. For our friends, that energy went to two beautiful and well trained dogs.

These loved canines became our friend's shared heart. They poured into them unconditional love and care. Never have I seen better trained animals...they respond to both verbal and nonverbal commands. They have their own basket of toys and fluffy bedtime mats. They even look forward to unwrapping their own gift at Christmas. Their physical care is top notch. Truly a splendid, if not traditional, family.

Does this mean our friends have never regretted the choice not to adopt? No. Do they still feel the pangs of infertility? Yes. Some wounds run too deep to ever truly heal. Mother's and Father's Day, for them, always holds a sadness. Christmas around the tree feels incomplete still. For Angel and her Husband, though, they live not in regret. Life goes on and in every aspect of their lives, they feel completely blessed. There is always something else to be thankful for.

My Husband and I have lived in a form of denial for four and a half years. Our faith was strong...we just knew it would happen "this month"...or "this year." The answer continues to be "No" despite two trials of IUI. My body just doesn't want to cooperate. For the first time in our marriage, my Husband and I find ourselves standing at two very different roads. It is barely a week into 2008 and I can't be of one mind with the man I love. This is unchartered territory for us and, as you may expect, we are at a loss.

I stand at the road to IVF. Our insurance covers almost all of the procedure. Even then, we can only afford to try it one time but at least we would know if it worked for us. It could be my only shot to a biological child. Sure it includes shots, two surgeries, and our kids would be conceived in a petri dish. Add to that that we have put limitations on the procedure itself because we don't believe in freezing embryos. By only allowing two to three eggs to be fertilized, the success rate drops dramatically. Despite all that though, I was willing to go there. Willing to give it a try for the long awaited glimpse of my children's faces. It has become not just a desire for me to go this route but almost a need. I "have" to know.

My Husband, however, stands at the road to Adoption. Too much time has passed and he wants to start the long procedure now before we get too much older. Plus, he fears putting me through IVF only to have it fail. Never before has he put his foot down with me and refused to budge. I'm not sure how to handle this. I certainly can't go this road alone nor do I, should he change his mind, want to go with IVF if my partner in life isn't fully there.

For the past five days I have been mourning my children. My last chance to conceive has slipped through my fingers. My Husband, full of gleeful excitement, is ready to call the adoption agency and set-up an appointment for us. Truth be known, I'm not ready. I wish now I would have given up years ago, faced the brutal reality earlier on. Now I am trapped within my own heartache and fight against desperation while my loving Husband is ready to take that next step. I can't go there yet with him. How do I face that look of disappointment on his face? How can he bear to see in my eyes the pain that is slowly bleeding out and still think we can move forward? When did having children become so hard?

Sure, as a Christian, I do believe that God can do anything and that He, just maybe, still plans on giving us biological children. I confess that my faith in that arena is about run out. Time is no longer on our side. I need to change my way of thinking...planning...hoping. I've never considered dogs before. Maybe I should. Maybe nothing at all...just my Husband and I making a different adventure out of life together. The year has only just begun and 0h what a dilemma to be in. Until next time.........