Turned Upside Down

I went to all the trouble of creating a blog name. That was last January. I've made attempts to write but never posted. Wandering thoughts. I guess I felt like mine were not all that important. Perhaps they are not to anyone but me. They were therapeutic though.

This past summer we were a day away from meeting son number two. We had received the call in June that a birth mom in Texas had chosen us. The baby was due July 22nd. Boy did we have to hustle. Texas likes their home studies and back ground checks fresh. It took some doing but we got it done. And then we made a sacrifice of time, home, and family. Cam and I headed for Texas where we stayed with my sister-in-law. Chris headed home to Virginia to fulfill employment responsibilities. Paz stayed in South Carolina with my in-laws. This was our life for a month and a half.

The due date arrived. No baby. The doctor decided that his original timeline was wrong and that birth wouldn't be until mid August. But then came the news that they would induce the first week of August. The birth mom told us to get ready. Chris made his flight plans. Diapers were bought, a pack-n-play was ready and waiting. The last thing I expected upon Chris' arrival was to have to tell him that things had changed.

The birth mom changed her mind. There was a lot of drama coming from her family and in the end threats to disown her won out. Our case worker told us to move on and get over it. Yeah.... that didn't go over well. We knew him by name. Even Cam referred to him as such. Coming home with nothing but broken hearts to show for it was hard.

I'm ashamed to admit that I gave God the silent treatment for awhile. I know that He is a big God, that He understood. Still, after some time, I did apologize to Him. Despite what happened, who was I to doubt Him? Look at my Husband. Look at my Son. Look at my Life. All beautiful and miraculous, beyond my dreams. I don't understand what happened this summer, maybe in eternity one day I will.

So now we find ourselves waiting again. This time the baby is due in January. A girl. The whole family is holding their breath. A few weeks ago even the attorneys involved thought we should walk away. I don't believe we are fools to take one more step. The young birth mom seems certain in her decision despite some road blocks. As never before in our adoption journey I have been more honest with her than any of the other birth mom's. We don't know what will happen. We don't know if this time is "The" time. I am, however determined to trust God and not worry about it. Even if things don't happen the way I want them to, I will trust that God has a plan. I know He does. As many Christians agree, though, I sure wish He would share some details with me.

And so my wandering thoughts this past year have been about adoption. My mind grows weary with them. Sometimes I wish it was all done. Just me, my family, and normal life experiences. I marvel at families who adopt over and over again and do so with a smile. I just can't figure that out. Yes, it is a most extraordinary gift and yet it too has a dark side. Another good hearted attempt at good using the miscalculations and errors of human action. We are a sinful and fallen world. But we try.

So I apologize for not writing in almost a year. Not that I had anything super important to say but words and thoughts there were. Some now are faded or gone forever. Oh well. Each new day brings a new one. If I'm diligent, perhaps I'll squeak in a few before the year is out. I still have three weeks.

Cam is almost four. His latest phrase is, "Chill down Momma, I'm just doing my thing." I think it is about time I got busy and did my thing too. Besides being a wife and mother, my DREAM job, writing is something I enjoy but have woefully neglected. A lot.

So goodnight for now. I hope to write again soon.

Times Gone By

There is a sort of excitement within me when a new year starts. The old is gone, something fresh is beginning. The anticipation of what will be sends shivers down my spine and goosebumps up my arms. All wonderful and good despite the fact that I have to force out of my mind the "what ifs." Those unforeseen tragedies, tears, and trials that could happen but I don't dare think about as if their consideration could somehow jinx the silver lining around my own personal white puffy cloud. All too easily my wonderment can take a dark turn until I find myself worrying about things that most likely (and hopefully) won't ever happen. I blame this on deep dwelling grief from my past that changed me, as grief is wont to do. There is an underlying fear that, dormant most days, will rise up and flash the worst case scenarios across my mind's eye. The thoughts frighten me and I immediately go to God in prayer. There is a reason why Christ made a point of saying (in Matthew 6:34 NIV), "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Ain't that the truth?

Those negative mental wanderings aren't helped when reality itself moves the terrible thoughts from "what could be" to "what is." It is only January 17 and many people within my sphere have already suffered the loss of loved ones. It is hard enough when these heartaches are isolated incidents but when they are numerous within a short span of time I have to ask, "Why is this happening?"

In my battle to stay positive despite the negative, I search for something that will make my first foray into 2012 blogdom uplifting and not the downer it originally was. So when "Auld Lang Syne" begins to crescendo within my encephalon (snirk) the irony of the moment is not lost on me. What is a New Year celebration without this traditional song AND, given the recent losses suffered by friends, what more befitting words could be reflected upon? After all, it is about remembering. As defined in Wikipedia: for the sake of old times... a call to remember long standing friendships... (and) symbolising endings (or) new beginnings." (parenthesis are mine)

There are various translations but I found the James Watson version from 1711 (also on Wikipedia) to fit most accurately what I am trying to say:

Should Old Acquaintance be forgot, and never thought upon; The flames of Love extinguished, and fully past and gone: Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold, that loving Breast of thine; That thou canst never once reflecton Old long syne.

CHORUS:On Old long syne my Jo, in Old long syne, That thou canst never once reflect, on Old long syne.

My Heart is ravisht with delight, when thee I think upon; All Grief and Sorrow takes the flight, and speedily is gone; The bright resemblance of thy Face, so fills this, Heart of mine; That Force nor Fate can me displease, for Old long syne.

CHORUS

Since thoughts of thee doth banish grief, when from thee I am gone; will not thy presence yield relief, to this sad Heart of mine: Why doth thy presence me defeat, with excellence divine? Especially when I reflecton Old long syne

CHORUS

(several further stanzas)

With that, may each of us take a moment to remember. Whether the pain of a loss is fresh or a scar that feels as powerful as the day it was born, may we hold to the beauty and memory of those that gave us something to remember in the first place. The most recent for me would be my brother Trevor (how I miss our conversations and your playfulness) and Grandpa Miller (our left/right jokes still make me laugh and I smile every time I think of you dancing to Harry Belafonte one Thanksgiving day). For all the others I have been blessed to know however briefly, you are not forgotten.

In summary, Harry and Sally said it best (When Harry Met Sally):

Harry: “What does this song mean? My whole life, I don’t know what this song means. It means ‘Should old acquaintance be forgot.’ Does that mean we that should forget old acquaintances or does it mean that if we should happen to forget them, we should remember them which is not possible because we already forgot?”

Sally: “Well maybe it just means that maybe we should remember that we forgot them or something. Anyway, it’s about old friends”

To old friends and times gone by....

New Year, New Title, New Approach

After quickly glancing at my last post, I noticed that it was all about how I had not written in awhile. That was then followed by more silence. I did write something new before Christmas but never released it for viewing. The story felt forced, uninspired. Though it did mean something special to me, the final product was not quite what I wanted for the blog. In essence, times have changed, I've changed. What "was" has passed and it is time for a fresh start.

I started this blog because I needed an outlet to vent my frustrations, hurts, anger, and sorrows about the role unexplained infertility was playing in my life (Love, Marriage, Where's the Baby Carriage?). My mother has always told me that holding emotions in was unhealthy and that writing was a good outlet. That advice has come in handy over the years. And so the blog served it's purpose. Things changed when my son came along via adoption. A new day dawned and the sun shown brighter than I had imagined it in a very long time. That journey was a new and amazing trek for Chris and I (Love, Marriage, Adopting the Baby Carriage). Believe it or not, that was almost three years ago. Next month Cam celebrates his 3rd birthday and we are once again on a waiting list to adopt. And the adventure continues.

The mental block set in a number of months ago. I would sit in front of the computer wondering what to write, coming up with nothing that felt worthy of someone else's time. I had lots to say, don't get me wrong. I could talk all day about my son, my husband, our home and family. I'm thankful for my life with them. Still, the mental block held me back. As 2012 approached I made a New Year's resolution to write more, in book and in blog form. I've been reminded time and time again that God can't bless what I don't try. The "book" idea aside, the blog was a much easier task to handle. Not one who usually reacts well to change, I found the new year refreshing. This time my blog wouldn't necessarily be for venting (though that could happen) or for sharing a new path in life (though that is sure to come up). No, this time I want to write about whatever happens to be on my mind when the writing bug bites. Admittedly this could be a little scary... but here I am.

Coming up with a new title was the first step. I found the search quite fun and feel that I came up with something unique (at least nothing else of its nature popped up in the Internet search engine). As an English Major in college, I learned the art of playing with big words to say little things. Not sure if that is quite a bragging right but at least I can put my degree to some use. For those who see the endless grammatical mistakes in what I write, let me just say that that wasn't exactly my strong suit of study. I was an English Major for the literature. How I love to read! Perhaps one day I'll write something that others will pay money for. Heck, while I'm dreaming, why not imagine a movie based on a story I created. As a dreamer at heart, I can see it happening. If I don't try, I'll never know.

So here I am. New year. New blog. New approach. I'll enjoy reading back on what I've shared over the years but I really look forward to seeing what taps through my keyboard next. Kind of exciting! A huge thank you to my Husband who encourages me all the time to keep up the writing. He's a fan and that boosts my ego to no end. Another major thank you to my Mom who reminded me time and time again to put words to paper. Theirs are major voices in my head and I dare not try to ignore such sage advice.

Finally... Lord, if there is anything creative, beautiful, or worthy in me that honors You then please help it to flow forth. I thank you for the opportunity. I know that in You all things are possible as long as I step out in faith and trust You. I love you and I thank you. Amen!