Haunted By Waters

It has been nine months since I last posted a new article. How ironic a number given the reason I started this blog in the first place. I feel as though I have lived a lifetime between then and now.

One of my favorite movies is called "A River Runs Through It." At the end, the main character is talking, via a voice over, as he stands in a river fly fishing. His words have always struck me. Though the quote doesn't fully apply to my circumstances, I can relate to some of it. Or perhaps, bend it to describe the year I have had.

"Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of those rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs. I am haunted by waters. "

As I reflect on 2008, I am revisited by the memories of experiences, interactions with family and friends, their words of encouragement and faith, tears of disappointment, confusion, and the grief over little lives we may never meet.

My Husband and I stepped out in faith this past May and gave IVF a chance. To walk that road is to balance on the line of insanity. I thought I knew what to expect... I was wrong. Why would anyone choose to give themselves four shots a night? Why would anyone travel an hour to and an hour from the doctor's office numerous times a week for ultrasounds and the drawing of yet more blood? My body was bruised in numerous places, I could not exercise which led to weight gain, and my cognitive skills were diluted because of the numerous hormones I was pumping into my veins. All of this in the hope that children would be the result. So to speak, there was a result... twins. What a disheartening day it was to discover that these two embryos did better in a sterile petri dish than they did inside of me. Two weeks later, there was no sign that they ever even existed.

How often have I turned around to see a pregnant woman walking by, heard a child's cry in a restaurant, or viewed the picture of the embryos that could have been my children? How many times have my Husband and I been asked and will continue to be asked if we have any kids of our own? How often have I struggled between joy and absolute jealousy over the success story of other fertile and infertile couples?

Life moves on though... just as a river will continue to flow. I work at placing memories behind me and strive to look forward. For us, this has meant the turning in of adoption papers, the completion of a home study, and the creation of the profile that will be viewed by birth mothers and/or families. I do not know where life will lead tomorrow let alone six months or a year from now. What I do know is that my focus must change. I look forward to finding new material to write about. I have already received some interesting advice on a new direction for this blog.

When the river gets rough and it becomes hard to navigate the obstacles of life, the circumstances that God will use to refine and mature us are hardly appreciated at the time. Perhaps I am a better person now than I was last February when my last blog was posted, I cannot say for sure. But I do hope that down river somewhere (when I stop to reflect on all the twists, turns, and rapids), I will be able to make peace with those waters and even be thankful for them.