Leap of Faith

Christmas day already lays behind me with New Year's day within reach. I am not sad to see 2008 go, that good-bye has been ready for some time now. Instead, along with so many other folks, I find myself wondering what 2009 will bring. At this time last year, I had no idea how hard the emotional experience would be in the days and months to come. I am more tired than I used to be but stronger... perhaps even a bit more feisty. Still, what will be the emotional toll asked of me this year?

I find myself standing at the edge of a precipice now more than ever. A decision I have been putting off will need to be made in the not too distant future. With adoption papers turned in, the first bill in our out-going box, and the waiting game begun, my Husband and I must ready ourselves for the inevitable phone call... the one where a birth Mom and/or family has picked us to adopt their child or children.

We had an eye opening experience not long after we turned in our profile. Our case worker called and said that though our paperwork was not yet complete, she wanted to go ahead and let a birth mom look over our information. A baby girl had just been born and needed to be placed with her forever family as soon as possible. We got the call on a Wednesday and the baby needed to be placed by Monday. We were in shock at how quick things "could" have happened. We also realized that we were not ready. No nursery, no baby supplies, and oh yeah... I still had a job that expected and needed me to show-up. Definitely not ready and, thankfully, not chosen either. Granted, most infant items could be purchased last minute if need be, not ideal but doable. The job though... not so easy. It became clear that I had to have a very important conversation with my employers. The question was... how? How do you prepare anyone for an unknown date and time for an event that could take 24 hours, three months or longer? It was this very dilemma that locked my jaw every time I tried to work up the nerve to talk to supervisors who have been more good to me than I could have ever imagined.

Needless to say, a couple of months have gone by now and still I have not uttered a word. Deep down though I feel that my time is running out and that a conversation and action plan needs to be had and created. Something happened today that has made that more clear than ever. I've been made an offer (unofficial at this point) that would not only increase my responsibilities at work but also my paycheck. Not only is more money each month a temptation but the additional job is a compliment given my background and training. I was right in the middle of thinking about my success or lack thereof of this new opportunity when a giant stop-sign was put up in front of me. Suddenly I had a choice to make and though neither would be wrong, whichever one I picked would nullify the other. Basically it comes down to my job or my children.

Plenty of women every day, whether by choice or necessity, work and take care of their families. Before my Husband and I married, we already knew which path we would take. Why bother having children if someone else is going to raise them? I have always known that I would be a stay-at-home mom. Actually, I viewed it more as my true career while those places I went from 9 to 5 were just jobs. Things haven't exactly worked out the way I or my Husband thought, but just because the game has changed doesn't mean the rules have.

So here I stand at the edge of a valley being asked to take a leap of faith. Children are close now, though I can't explain how I know that. It's time I started preparing. I'll say no to the job which will be the conversational segue that I've been waiting for. My employers will understand, that is who they are. I only hope I can be as good and invaluable a mom as my supervisors have made me feel in my role as a secretary. God knew what He was doing when He gave me this job (that is another story) so I need to trust that He knows what He is doing in my status as a parent.

It is rarely easy to take that step into the unknown... will there be something solid under my feet or will I fall? God simply says, "Have faith in me..." Alright God, here I go.

Happy New Year!