Empty Chair

It is 10:30 on a Saturday night. Chris doesn't have to play in the church band tomorrow which means it is, instead, camp-out night for him and Cameron. I am sitting at the opposite end of the house, sipping a piping hot mug of green tea with honey, listening with one ear to the sound of their voices echoing down the hall and from the other ear the squeaks and squawks of Paz beside me. A new year has come in and the first month is already half over. The weather is much cooler, but not enough to bring in snow (I'm the only one in this house celebrating that fact) and the holidays are sadly behind us as even the decorations have gone away to their place of slumber up in the attic. All of these things I expected. And yet, unexpectedly, there is still an empty chair at our table.

Last summer we were chosen by a birth mom to adopt her soon to be born baby boy. He made his entrance the first week of August, but we never got to meet him. His birth mom changed her mind and we came home empty handed and heartbroken. Three weeks after our return home, a new birth mom chose us. This time the baby was to be a girl and was due in early January. Notice I spoke only of my boys and our bird tonight. Baby girl is with her birth mom too. Two fall-throughs in five months. Despite the odds being in our favor, according to our attorney, we still failed to add a new member to our family.

Unlike Cameron's adoption which, in hindsight, could not have gone any smoother... this time around has been exactly the opposite. We have met with eight birth moms. The first six lasted only, at most, two weeks before doors were closed. Miscarriages, disappearances, too much financial need, birth family objections... no progress beyond initial conversations. A let down, yes, but walls remained up and hopes hadn't yet set in. Our prayers went out to each one. Even now we speak their names, these young women who found themselves in situations they did not want to be in. Perhaps God gave us their names for just that reason. Maybe nobody else was praying. The last two women though, the doors were wide open. We jumped through the hoops, payed every fee, did all that was asked of us and then some. And here we sit still waiting.

Cameron has handled it all like a champ. How much can he truly understand at three? Still, he sees us struggling. In these past five months, how often have we tuned out? Too lost in our anger, frustration, hurt, confusion, etc... how many times have we failed to catch what Cam was saying, showing or sharing? We are missing babies we never got to meet while he may be missing the parents he has in the flesh, right here and now. That breaks my heart even more. One more weight to our struggle.

We know not what the next few days or weeks will hold. In our weariness, we still hope to add to our family. Cameron will turn four next month and how we would love to see him as big brother. And yet, we also long for this journey to be done. To no longer worry about adoption fees, agency packets, financial responsibilities, time off from work, home preparations and travel to cities or states we probably wouldn't have ever visited in the first place. We long for the normal everyday concerns and duties of other families. Which school to send our son to or should we home school? When to start saving for a family vacation and where to go? When to shop for a new car with updated bells and whistles to replace the ever aging current models? Sports? Friends and play dates? Perhaps even some extracurricular activities for Momma.... I heard about a soccer league. Okay, so I've never played soccer but I might like it if I ever tried it. Just a thought. We long for more and yet for freedom all at the same time.

The thing that is holding our feet to the ground right now is faith. It has been battered and bruised more than ever before in our lives but, I guess, that is what makes it stronger. Scriptures, prayers, and God's very voice within us is what keeps us moving forward. The word that gives us resolve: Prepare. And so we cling each day to promises that this journey is not yet done and will pay off in the end. At Last continues to be our theme. When Chris and I married, we danced to Etta James' At Last because that is how it felt when he and I finally met. When Cameron came to us after years of fertility issues it was At Last. So why should we be surprised that this journey would not also be At Last.

Isaiah 43:18-19... Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. (NIV)


Okay, God. We are ready and willing. Your timing will be perfect. We excitedly await the opportunity to tell all who will listen how You pull this thing off. Thank you for making our story one of love and miracles. It hasn't always been easy, but it has always been good!!!