"Ah Ha" Moment

This weekend has been a complete opposite of the last one. If one was dark, the other was light. If one was sorrow, the other was joy. For once I won't go into too many details. What I want to recognize will be stated briefly and with heart-felt respect. It may not make sense to many but will be completely understood by a few. It is to them I write.

As a new Mom I am discovering previously unknown things about myself... some of which have caught me off guard. The love I feel for Cameron is sometimes so overwhelming that I am sure God must have put checks and balances within me so that I don't explode with the emotion. In those moments... only tears escape. I cannot imagine life anymore without this most precious gift. How was I ever whole before Chris or before our son came into my life? It is that intensity that stops me in my tracks, uncertain as to how to proceed.

Last weekend my mind and my heart battled. Chris went to Texas to visit family and I could not go. With our one-income status and a parrot without a sitter, it was obvious and fine for me to stay behind. Fine, that is, until Cameron was scheduled to go too. My mind said that it was not a problem. It said that Chris would take good care of him. It reminded me that family would love to see him and that it would be selfish of me not to let him go. My heart though... how it began to panic. Not that I didn't trust Chris. It was never about that. It was about not being within sight and sound of my five month old. After all, Texas is a long way from home.

Before they even left, just the thought of their absence brought me to tears. How I dreaded the date of departure. My mind said, "Stop being so emotional!" My heart said, "How can you let him go?" When Chris and Cameron walked through the security line and beyond my view the tears flowed. I spent four days hiding from the world so as to avoid the question, "Where's your son?" Would they think I was an over-emotional female or sympathize with my struggle? I didn't want to find out. My comfort came in the form of pizza, ice cream, whispers to Heaven, and absolute solitude. I shut down the emotional outpouring and became like stone. That was better than being weepy all the time. Even now I cannot decide if how I felt was acceptably normal or over the top. I'll take a cue from Scarlet O'Hara and promise to think about it another day... maybe.

My "ah ha" moment came in understanding someone who I think, after all these years, was relieved to have me understand. The look in their eyes, the expression on their face, the tone of their voice... it all came rushing back to me. What I once wondered "why" at, I finally got. I am not the first nor the last person to deal with the emotions that threaten to overwhelm. To finally comprehend those memories, though, only draws me closer to those I love. To you I say, "I understand now. I had no idea."

Chris and Cameron got home safe and sound. My greeting of them was as it was upon their departure... tearful. I came back to myself over the next few days, a point my Husband was happy to point out. His patience with me is abundant. However, I don't think any future trips will be taken without me. One day, maybe, I'll appreciate the "temporary" solitude. For now,though, home is where the heart is and home is where it will stay.