If I'd Known Then

Growing up as the first child and a girl to boot (in a family where the babies were predominantly male) I became very much adapted to a life of being spoiled. For the first three years of my life my Mother wondered if she had created a monster. I don't remember those days but for one vague memory in which I barricaded my bedroom door with all my toys as well as my child sized table and chairs. This happened at my parent's first house so I couldn't have been more than two. The story goes, though, that when I turned three I became an angel. At least that is what I've been told. Now I am sure that I made my share of mistakes and threw my allowance of tantrums as I grew but, from my point of view anyway, I was a pretty good kid. Not to say that the spoiling had stopped. Spoiled, after all, doesn't' always equal bad.

Life has had its share of highs and lows but that is true of anybody. What I reflect upon now, however, is that I always came through situations loving someone more or feeling stronger within myself. I have no doubt that there are plenty more roller coaster rides to go on and can only hope that what I have learned up to this point will help me achieve and overcome. Even now though, as the mature adult that I am (hee hee), I still feel spoiled. Not just by my family or my Husband... but in life. God has been truly good to me even if life has thrown some major curve balls.

When someone is spoiled they tend to 'just know' that things will go their way. Now add rotten to the end of that original word and the results could be catastrophic where others are concerned. But spoiled alone can be a good thing. The person who suffers this particular affliction is more optimistic, seeing the glass half full, always believing in the silver lining. So when life gets a bit unfair, it can hurt.... a lot. But once through it, and when the light is shining once more, it is easy to remember the good things and to see the blessings for what they are.

I am spoiled. Touched by life's hurts and wounds.... changed by them even.... but underneath it all I still believe in miracles. When my brother Trevor passed away it was crushing. But I KNOW I'll see him again in Heaven. I even got a sneak peek (but that is another story). When I was still single at 28 with no prospects, I wondered what was wrong with me. In the end though I met and married the most wonderful man. When year after year went by with no sign of children I began to fear faith.... the loss of dreams hurt too much. But now I am a Mother (ahhhh) to a beautiful baby boy. That is the point of this particular blog.... a story that is real and our own family miracle.

In January of 2008 I was going through one of the worst times in our infertility.... verbally admitting that it may never happen for us. Saying it out loud was gut wrenching. I was grieving, angry even. The cold and lonely hand of depression pressing down on my heart. So when I sat in a staff meeting at work (I was a church secretary) and we were asked to say a prayer out loud for someone, I admit that I was not in the mood. I was too into my own private despair. But, I knew better. When my turn came, I lifted up a gentleman I had bumped into at the store over the holidays. He seemed like he needed a prayerful uplifting. But that was not the end.... two people down from me was a petite woman who was and is a biblical powerhouse. If anyone had a direct line to the man upstairs it was her. When it came time for her to speak her words were, surprisingly, for me. What she said went something like this, "When I heard Carina pray, I felt in my spirit that there was something she needed to hear. I don't know what it means but she needs to know that 2008 is the year.... 2008." At the time, the woman of God did not know my story. Tears filled my eyes but my heart felt skeptical. Still, I wrote 2008 on a sticky note and put it on my computer where I would see it every day of the work week.

Every day turned into a year and finally 2009 was upon us with no children to show for it (which is what I took "2008 is the year" to mean). As I took the note off my computer and crumpled it up for the garbage can I felt the disappointment I had feared. Not to the full extent, admittedly, as I had not fully jumped into the river with both feet. Come to find out, the God fearing woman who gave the prophetic statement was confused too. We both were thinking, "Why didn't anything happen?" Two months later, God filled us in on the story.

You see, God can see the whole picture.... even the parts before the beginning and well beyond the end. Back in January of 2008 He was letting me know that Cameron was on his way. He was conceived later that spring and was born the next year. One month after that we brought him home with us. Now that is a miracle in my book. I am sure there are those out there that would say it is all coincidence. But to me, God is just a very good and creative storyteller. Despite any hardships I must face, He can be the author of my life story anytime.